Monday, July 10, 2017

It's Not About Us

As you all know, we've been trying to grow our family for years.  (If you don't, you can read here and here).  It definitely hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but, to be completely honest, this journey also hasn't been the devastating one we thought it'd be.  For a while I really "blamed" that on just disconnecting myself emotionally from the process, especially during fertility treatments. Then I realized it wasn't anything I had done, but it was Jesus.

I've known many many women and couples who have struggled with fertility and growing their family.  One of the main themes I noticed when I listened to their stories was how heartbreaking it was month after month, cycle after cycle, to get a negative test.  The waiting. The disappointment.

And I knew I could never handle that.  I longed to be a Mama.  I still do.  But I knew I'd never survive the heartbreak over and over again. 

We prayed and leaned on Jesus before fertility treatments.  We watched Him do some major works in our marriage and He showed Himself in ways we'd never experienced before.  But, y'all, I have never leaned on Jesus or known Him like I have since beginning fertility treatments, and now, as we are pursuing adoption.  I've known Jesus personally since I was in the 7th grade.  He's been my strength and confidant through many a trial over the years.   But nothing like this. 

Jesus has become my all.  I'm honestly ashamed to admit this, but until this journey I wasn't in the Word every day. I didn't talk to Him every day.  But I knew I had to, needed to, if I was going to survive this.  We committed to lean on Jesus every day, through every decision. 

Literally not a step of our fertility treatments went by without us praying about it and digging in His Word.  There were times we took "breaks" because the Lord put on our hearts to pause.  We stopped fertility treatments altogether because He told us too.  We're now pursuing adoption because He led us here. 

Jesus took away our anxiety because we trusted Him.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you [1 Peter 5:7].  We didn't have to stress about making decisions because we knew He already had the answer, we just needed to be with Him and He'd tell us.  And He did.  And He does.

As we sit here, waiting to be matched and one day meet our child, we rest in the assurance that Jesus already knows that child.  He knows the expectant mom.  And He's chosen them specifically for us, and us for them. Our lives will be woven with theirs and we'll all be forever changed.  We won't be changed because of us, but because of Jesus.  

I could write pages and pages about the things, big and small, that the Lord has done.  He is able to do more than all we ask or imagine [Ephesians 3:20].  And He already has over and over again. Through every step of this journey, and our lives, we want to make much of Jesus.  He is the vine, we are the branches, and apart from Him we are nothing [John 15:5].


I don't write any of this as if it's just been an easy journey so far.  It's been far from it.  But we rest in this:  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may me mature and complete, not lacking anything. [James 1:2-4].  He is making us complete through all of this.  He's making us complete in Jesus and He's making our family complete. 

Jesus gets all the glory, y'all.  To him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. [Ephesians 3:21]
 

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